May 31, 2000

i seem to no be able to get into anything....not sports not cheerleading...its getting depressing...i want to be in these things so bad....but i keep getting cut..uhhhhhh

FiNe9FeLiNe

Dear FiNe9FeLiNe,

Yes, I've heard the rumors too. But rumors can be nasty things. HE IS NOT GAY. Sure, he's has a dresses well, but that isn't proof. To say he is gay is just stereotypical and just plain rude. His girlfriend is not a trophy girlfriend. Sure he is from France, but whatever. He has a really high profile which will always cause tabloids to wonder.

May 31, 2000

Hi:

Can you tell me if the movie "Color of Paradise" is available on the video and where can I order it? Thanx

Shiva

Dear Shiva,

The first thing you need to do when opening a Chinese restaurant is a name. What many people don't know is that Chinese restaurant names are legislated by a little known office located deep within the Department of Commerce. What it boils down to is that you have about thirty words to pick from. They are all stuck in a hat, and you draw out two or three, depending on how many reams of governemnt applications you are willing to fill out. Some of the words include China, golden, jade, emerald, panda, lotus, garden, phoenix, bamboo, and buddha. Others include palace, yellow, happy, palace, seafood, wok, and names like Shanghai, Peking (or Beijing), Hong Kong, or Hunan, Szechwan, and Canton. Happy restauranteering!

May 31, 2000

Hello. My name is Adam and I live in Indianapolis, IN. I saw Princess Mononoke in the theaters and I loved it. I know that the American version is not being released in the u.s. on video. But, is there any way, or any place that I can find a copy of the English version of Monoke Hime? Thank you for your help.

Dear Adam,

I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you. Although it had its moments, Saturday Night Live has never been funny. Especially now. It started off mediorce, and has been going downhill since. Who are those people on the cast now? A bunch of nobodys. They have to sign these contracts that essentially sell their soul to Lorne Michaels and NBC. But people fall for it. If you play the same dumb skits over and over again, and have people laugh to the applause sign, you create this false sense of popularity. So people think everyone else likes it, when no one actually does. Pretty clever actually. SNL feeds off this fake popularity, causing these lame characters to reappear, furthering this vile illusion. The culmination of all this is a movie, something along the lines of Superstar or A Night at the Roxbury, two examples of modern classics in the American lexicon of film. Not.

May 29, 2000

The review you gave of 13th Warrior was the most complete piece of garbage I've ever read on a movie review. You are without a doubt the best evidence that movie critics are not the best source of information on weather to see a movie or not to see it. The movie had good action, good actors, and something that is hard to find in a movie these days or even life for that matter (HONOR) . In my opinion it ranks up there with Braveheart, Excalibur, Starship Troopers, Private Ryan, Star Wars (it may not equal the stories of these movies ), but in my opinion if you liked them you'll like 13th Warrior) . My qualifications may not be as good as yours might be, but I think life is a great teacher. A little about me : 22 years U.S Army born and raised in the Blue Ridge Mountains , Married, two children. I think I've seen a few warriors in my life and was raised from day one to know what HONOR is. Question of the day for you , have you ever felt honor ?

Sincerely, Mr. Loving

Dear Mr. Loving,

Sheesh, what is wrong with you people? My name is the Answerman. Not Haro. Besides, The Thirteenth Warrior has Antonio Banderas in it. That right there should start the alarm system in your brain that yells "Warning! Warning! This film is going to suck!" Did you know he sang in Evita? I am tempted to make some nasty sarcastic comments about the Blue Ridge Mountains or the Army, but no, I don't really feel like getting more hatemail. If you would like to send me hatemail, please send it to me at Haro@haro-online.com, my e-mail address.

May 27, 2000

No, the Omega Code was not bad, I saw it myself, and it was excellent If anything was lacking in many areas, it was your review, you obviously did not see the same movie I did. It probably was boring for you since it did not include graphic sex and violence, which is a sure sign of a movies popularity and a sign of moral decay in todays society. So please stick to reviewing "R" and "X" Movies, they are more up your alley.

Alice Marie

Dear Alice Marie,

Hi, I'm the Answerman. I don't review movies. I answer questions. But just for you, I rented The Omega Code. Man it sucked. Hey, did you know it's by those same peope who dress like idiots and have big hair? I am the Answerman. My hair is short and neat. And what's up with all these movie questions? Ask Haro or Mongoose.

May 1, 2000

I realize I may be behind the times, but I have just discovered Eduardo Noriega, and I am compelled to find out as much about him as possible. I have done countless searches on the internet, asked many a film buff but cannot seem to get anywhere beyond his birthdate and birthplace. Can you recommend a website or other avenue of information acquisition regarding the elusive Mr. Noriega?

Much appreciated....

Allison

Allison,

The name of the book is Leviathan by Thomas Hobbes. Revisionism aside, the book is about a whale, but is wrapped in such allegory that even philosophers have difficulty seeing it. And as you know, Hobbes was in fact a small tiger. His best friend was John Calvin, who did his best work when he was a little boy.

April 27, 2000

Re: Color of Paradise

I live in Miami, FL USA and cannot find any place to see this Movie. Where can I get help to find out any place in FLORIDA i could see this film?

thx - steve

Dear Steve,

The controversy surrounding man-made reefs is simple. Conversationists are not sure what to think, because scientific research is scant. Much of the research available was funded by oil companies who have a vested interest in seeing that man-made reefs are good for the environment. No one is absolutely sure whether these reefs actually add to ocean life or draw it away from other places. This problem will come to a head soon in California, where abandoned oil derricks sit off the coast and a number of man-made reefs already exist.

April 27, 2000

I live in Miami, FL USA and cannot find any place to see this Movie. Where can I get help to find out any place in FLORIDA i could see this film?

thx - steve

Dear Steve,

If you're having problems with your woman, just stand there, look at her, and go "WOMAN, WHOA, MAN!" You don't need her! Independence is great. So is taxation with representation. Stand up and be a MAN! In FLORIDA!

April 5, 2000

Why does the water in the drains of people who live north of the equator spin in the opposite direction to those who live south of the equator.

Frank

Dear Frank,

I had that rash once. It was a real pain. I was scratching myself all day long at work, and everything thought I was strange. Well, stranger than usual. I ended up buying lots of different creams, the only stipulation being they must contain aloe. Aloe makes my skin so soft. So instead of scratching myself, I would sit there and feel my skin. In a nice way, not in a perverted way. But no one at work understood that. I asked them to feel my soft skin (like a baby's behind!) and they fired me. Ungrateful bastards. But now, I have soft skin so I guess it all works out in the end (not the baby's end).

April 5, 2000

How far is Cape Canaveral from the equator? If you can answer this, I will be very impressed, and it will help me greatly. Thanks

jasmine

Dear Jasmine,

Microsoft is such a lame company name. You have Bill Gates, this kabillionaire, who probably uses hundred dollar bills to blow his nose. He buys art to put in his obscenely large house, and probably uses five dollar bills to clean his windows. Granted, he's not cleaning the windows, he's probably paying some little man to do it. But Microsoft? Come on. That doesn't really project its image of domination and power. Microsoft sounds to me like something a comedian would joke about at a club. Why call your big company something that disparages your masculinity? Then again, have you seen Bill Gates? Okay, okay, he has a wife and a kid. But still...why not something like STRONGHARD. Or ULTRAPOWER. Or Chumbawumba?

April 3, 2000

I'm going to be relocating to Dallas and I was wondering if you could tell me what would be the best website that I could go to to go look for a job? Thank you.

ROfte

Dear ROfte,

I apologize for my tardy response. You see, I've been really busy lately. Actually, not really. A friend of mine got me these coupons for a manicure and pedicure, and if it's one thing I can't resist, it's a coupon. So I went and got me one, and damn my nails look good. I was afraid to type for fear of messing up my nails. I also didn't want to wear socks or shoes, only sandals. Sandals all the way, baby. Now, my friend is trying to get me to go and get waxed, but there are limits that some coupons will never pass.

April 1, 2000

Could you please tell me how to "season" &/or "re-season" a cast-iron frying pan? Thanks.

Franern

Dear Franern,

Christmas time is always a joyous time around the Answerman household. To make your holiday equally fun, I suggest buying all the books by Martha Stewart. Not only are there a whole bunch of them, but she writes them on all sorts of stuff. Once you gather all the books together, throw them in the fireplace, and light a great big fire. Nothing is better than a warm house at Christmas.

March 24, 2000

How mush for the movie Angela's Ashes?

Hbeiler

Dear Hbeiler,

Uh, yes? No? Um, maybe.

March 23, 2000

Re: Mission to Mars

I had to leave at the end of the movie. Please fill me in on what happens after they enter the Martian made face and determine that is a craft going somewhere.

Thanks, Warren

Dear Warren,

Man, you missed a great movie. Nothing is better than Mission to Mars. There were three of them, right? Lt. Dan from Forrest Gump, Don Cheadle, and that chick, and they all walked into that thing. Then, they separated, and each person was in a different room. The chick was calling for her husband, Josh (Tim Robbins). "Josh! Josh!" and she heard some muffled cries. Everything was dark around her, and she was running around. She ran down some stairs, and found him standing in the corner, with his back to her. She screamed, and fell over. Cool. Then, Lt. Dan found himself on a beach. What the heck? I think the craft took him somewhere. He looked up, and saw the Statue of Liberty buried in the sand. He screamed and screamed, and then Forrest Gump's kid (how did he get in the movie?) started talking, and than started to drown. "Promise me you'll never let go!" screamed the kid, and Lt. Dan promised "I'll never let you go Jack" and the kid was like "Who the crap is Jack?" and then spoke some more and whoa-Lt. Dan realized he was dead the entire time. Weird. Finally, in the big special effects ending, Don Cheadle was sitting there, and it started raining frogs, like all over the place! I have never seen such a deep ending.

March 22, 2000

Hi, do you know of pointers to the film music for B.Monkey? Any help is greatly appreciated! Thanks a lot

Niels

Dear Niels,

Changing from Farenheit to Celsius is easy. The equation is F = 9/5*C + 32 where F is Fareheit and C is Celsius. Or, if you're weird, you can call it that other "C" word. To go the other way, just use simple arithmatic operations to get C = 5*(F - 32)/9. Remember that Midnight Oil song where they're like, in a desert and saying it's hot and it's only 45 degrees? That's not hot! Oh, wait a minute, maybe it is. Unless, they're just really weird and think that that is hot. Hmm...

March 17, 2000

Hello I visited your website and I noticed your resource page has content that I believe our 270,000 visitors a week would benefit from. I wanted to mention that we have a website that educates customers on dog training and behavior problems. One of our goals is educating dog owners on properly training their dogs. We are receiving many inquires from our members on many different products. A great deal of these inquires aren't dog releated. We feel instead of tellng our members we can't help them we would rather find what their asking for. Your site has products our members request.. This would fit perfectly into our resource center and I'm sure your visitors would benefit from our information as well. We would like to prominently display either a banner of text link from our site to your. It would be greatly appreciated if you could do the same for us. If this is something that interest you please reply to this e-mail and I'll send you our URLs. I didn't include it in this message as sending this e-mail may still upset some people, which isn't our goal. This is the first and only e-mail you'll receive from us unless you wish to exchange banners. Thanks for reading this and I deeply hope this wasn't to much of a bother.

Dennis Fowler

Dear Dennis Fowler,

Don't you just love spam? I do. And that's why I'm using your name, Dennis Fowler. As a founding member of HARO Online, I will be happy to exchange banners with you. There is just no way I can fully express my gratitude for your offer. As you clearly know from looking at our site, we are an excellent resource for dog lovers everywhere. Not only can dog lovers come here for good ol' fashioned advice, they can also peruse the latest movie reviews for their canine companions. Our 'resource page' is indeed chock full of information on dog training and behavioural problems. I use behavioural with a "u," because it looks English and more dignified, which I'm sure your visitors will appreciate. Why, just the other day, I found this great recipe for dog. It only takes about half an hour to prepare, and the dog comes out tasting almost like chicken. Use a chihuahua for a quick midnight snack, or a Saint Bernard for a family of four. And I don't see a question in your e-mail.

March 6, 2000

Do you know if the movie "After Life" is available on video. If so--is there a web site it can be ordered from? Thank You

GrayMARE6646911

Dear GrayMARE6646911,

For some reasons, orange juice makers are pumping out orange juice blends like mad. Pineapple and banana are understandable, but it's just starting to get weird. Tangerine? Apricot? Pork? Not only that but you can buy orange juice with pulp, calcium, and whatever. And people are buying them too. So companies like Sunkist, Minute Maid, and Tropicana are making the big bucks while most consumers are just confused. But hey, whatever works, and whatever you can do to make a buck.

January 15, 2000

why is it that when i click to enter the adult partof the site it starts a download?

PoppyBro2

Dear PoppyBro2

I completely agree. I think that when Felicity cut her hair, the whole show went to heck. I mean, come on, Keri Russell looks like a Q-Tip now. What up wit dat?

January 13, 2000

HELP ANSWERMAN,

I BOUGHT MY FIRST COMPUTER GAME UNREAL. I LOVE IT.... I AM AT THE LEVEL WHERE I NEED TO KILL THE QUEEN BUG. I CAN'T SEEM TO KILL HER. IF YOU REALLY ARE ANSWERMAN YOU'LL HAVE THE ANSWER. THANKS

PARISMOOSE

Parismoose,

I was watching the news after all of the New Year's celebrations. Man, many of those firework things were pretty cool. Did you see the Millennium Dome in Britain? And that Ferris Wheel? That was way cool. I want to go on that wheel. I heard it takes a long time to go around once. I would sit there in the chair and throw peanuts at the people around me. Like they could get me. And think of the size of rat that could run around in that thing.

January 5, 2000

AnswerMan,

Please answer me this. I am a fan of the LA Lakers and I can't stand when they lose. One of the problems they have this season, is Shaq's inability to make the free throw in crucial moments when the game should be put away. His free throw percentage is horrendous, I believe at a career low under .500. The Lakers could be a more complete team and have more victories, if he could hit from the free throw line. What do you think the problem is? Is there anything he can do to improve? Can Shaq lead the Lakers to a title this year? Thanks for your help.

A Laker Fan

November 18, 1999

Hello Answerman,

I have a roommate who asks me stupid questions. Not only are they ridiculous, she asks them repeatedly. For example, "why do we have to eat?" or "why can't we sleep all the time?" or "how do people end up getting together?" It irritates me, but I don't want to be a jerk. How should I respond?

Dear person with no name,

Global warming is a problem. At least, that is what most scientists think. There is a school of thought that says that slow changes in the temperature may in fact be normal. The gradual warming taking place right now could be the next step in the evolution of the planet. I, Answerman, am not so sure. I am worried about global warming, especially about the noxious fumes that rise from animals. Did you know that we have to inhale methane spewed forth from cows and termites? The amount they release is unbelievable, and just disgusting. I say we beat all cows to death with wooden sticks, then let the termites eat the wood, then burn all of the termites. That'll take care of the problem. And if we put our trash on the fire, we can empty our garbage dumps at the same time.

October 12, 1999

Answer Man -

I am interested in music and its effect on the human temperment, and since you are experienced with people and have long arms, I hope you can answer the following questions:

1. There is no doubt that music affects people immediately. The power of a film or play, for example, is greatly amplified by the its accompanying score. Without an effective score, even a well written script struggles to move the audience. If music has such an immediate emotional affect on people, does it have a more permanent emotional effect if a subject is exposed to a particular type for a long period? Is this effect more prominent in children?

2. What are the mathematical relationships between music and human emotions, if any? If there is a relationship, can human emotions be explained mathematically? Please elaborate.

Thanks, Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I wonder what ever happened to Roxette? Remember them? In their hey-day, Answerman was merely Answerawkwardprepubescentboy. They hit it big with that Pretty Woman song. When that new movie came out, I saw Richard Gere, I saw Julia Roberts, I saw Gary Marshall, but no Roxette. What's up with that? And that one song? The one that went "and she go na na na na na, na na na na na na na na na na na na, na na na na na na na na na na na na na, she got the look!" When I heard that song, I would start tapping my feet and shaking my head with the beat. People around me would ask if I was okay. Man that was cool back then. Now, I cringe at the site of my Roxette cassette collection. Weren't they from Sweden or something? I think the guy's name was Per.

September 25, 1999

Answerman -- Al Gore has the support of nearly all the democratic House and Senate members and most of the democratic power brokers as well as a larger war chest and greater name recognition. Bill Bradley seems to be much more effective in motivating voters and has staged impressive gains in pre-primary polls in New York and New Hampshire (with some even placing him nearly even with Gore and running ahead of Gore when placed vs. Bush) and Moynihan recently endorsed Bradley. Given this, who do you feel is the more viable democratic nominee for the presidential election and why? T.R.I.B.

Dear T.R.I.B,

I went fishing last weekend. I caught some trout. It was peaceful on the river. Serene. Lots of time to think about things. And I did think about things. Lots of things. Then I ate the trout. But I cooked it first. It was good. Nothing beats fish.

September 15, 1999

Recently I have been chastised by a lady friend for honking my horn at her to signal I have come to pick her up. I have been instructed that I should always get out of the car and come to the door and knock. Now, I have asked around a bit and all the guys I know say that it is ok to honk the horn- that it is not rude. Now, obviously if I were on a date, I would go to the door.

But please answerman- i need help- under what circumstances is it ok or appropriate to honk your horn to signal you are in front of the house to pick someone up?

sincerely,

confused chivalrist

Dear Confused Chivalrist,

Thanks for writing! You're the first person to write to the AnswerMan! I will answer all of your questions. Go ahead, ask me anything, and I'll answer it. Anything - investing, home repair, dating, you ask it, I'll answer it. I am the AnswerMan.