Sometimes it's easy to figure out the quality level of a movie given its stars. King's Ransom stars Anthony Andersen and Jay Mohr, and that is a very bad sign. Some movies are so awful that it's painful to write about them. Again, King's Ransom fits the bill. In fact, it is so bad that it is not even funny to make fun of it. At best, it's a great excuse for a nap, but the loud screeching that comes out of the actors' mouths (oh, wait, that's the dialogue) constantly assaults the ears. Andersen (Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle, Agent Cody Banks 2) is Malcolm King, a rich businessmen getting ready to sell his business.

He is also going through a nasty divorce with his wife Renee (Kellita Smith, Kingdom Come, Retiring Tatiana), so he needs to minimize his assets. King is also seeing the ditzy Peaches (Regina Hall, Scary Movie 3, Malibu's Most Wanted), much to the annoyance of Angela Drake (Nicole Parker, Brown Sugar, Remember the Titans). Drake is working her butt off for a promotion, but King keeps ignoring her. Andre (Donald Faison, Uptown Girls, Good Boy!) is King's valet. In order to impress women, he pretends that he is King. Then comes Corey (Mohr, Seeing Other People, Are We There Yet?), a loser who lives in the basement of his grandmother's house. He just was fired from his job at a fast food restaurant, and his ex-con sister is demanding money.

So how does all this fit it? Director Jeff Byrd (Jasper, Texas, Final Breakdown) and screenwriter Wayne Conley have King concoct a plan where he pretends to be kidnapped. At the same time, Renee, Drake, and Corey all decide independently to kidnap him. They are all after his money, and Corey is the one that succeeds. So King is holed up in Corey's basement, thinking that he is not kidnapped for real. But he is! Oh, and Peaches hires her brother Herb (Charles Murphy, Death of a Dynasty, Paper Soldiers) kidnaps Andre, thinking he is King.

King's Ransom turns into a 'comedy' of errors, but is actually a lot more of the latter than the former. Andersen is loud and brash, while Mohr is a functioning retard. Sex jokes, gay jokes, insults, and a little bit of everything else fly across the screen, with Conley desperately hoping that something connects. Well, he fails miserably. There is nearly nothing funny in the entire ninety-five minutes. This movie is an abysmal wreck. None of the characters are redeeming, the entire affair becomes tiresome and dull, and its worst offense - it is not funny. At all.